Letting Me Go

It is impossible to predict what only time can tell. 

by Gabrielle Vultaggio

There is no way of knowing what the future holds. It’s a terrifying feeling, finding yourself drowning in the thoughts in your own head and forgetting how to swim. I used to drive myself insane for weeks on end, worrying about every detail that I couldn’t paint black or white. 

Now, in this fleeting moment, I am allowing myself to find comfort in accepting the things that I can’t control. 

What changed? Everything, yet nothing at all. But before we discuss my recent so-called epiphany, l think it will be helpful to understand the way my mind works. 

I’m a fairly private person. I like to keep my personal life strictly personal, opening up only to people I know I can truly trust. On the outside, I try to appear extremely calm and collected; but, on the inside, I am constantly working to convince myself that everything is OK. So naturally, when you live so much in your head as I do, things tend to get a little overwhelming.

The problem with me is that I have no idea how to let myself go. I have no idea how to tell others about the mess of jumbled thoughts inhabiting my brain. Why should I burden someone else with my issues when they have so many of their own? So I just hold everything inside. I only recently discovered that this quite possibly is the most unhealthy method of coping with anxiety and rampant overthinking. 

At the beginning of this year, I made a New Year’s resolution. Those often stick, right? Well anyway, I decided that 2019 would finally be the year that I spoke up for myself and told others how I feel. At the time, this accomplishment seemed light years away. How did I expect myself to open up when I was so comfortable living in my own little bubble?  

Slowly and painfully my plan started to work. I cried- sobbed, actually- in front of my roommates for the first time and, instead of pushing me away, they helped me in ways that I am forever grateful for. I let myself love someone and allowed him to love me. I let myself have fun-be spontaneous even- and instead of worrying about when the good things would end, I just enjoyed them as they happened. 

Again, I couldn’t predict how the rest of the year would play out, but rather than burying my fears and shoving them away, I let them roam free. 

I found out the hard way that your fears and anxieties won’t just melt away and leave you alone forever. You can either let them consume you or you can let yourself go. I say let go. 


A version of this originally appeared in “Comfort” The Teller November 2019 Issue #8

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