AN OPEN LETTER TO MY PAST (NEARLY)LOVES
Some of you hurt me, some of you disappeared, some just faded. All I loved— in some capacity. Some friends, others lovers— you know when I love I love hard. I’m all in, always. A toxic trait of mine maybe; maybe it’s what pushed you away; maybe it’s what brought you closer. In any instance, you’re gone— everyone ends up gone, no matter what. Was it my reluctance? My obsessiveness? My intensity? Yeah, I know it can be a lot; I’m very self aware of the traits that lead to my aloneness right now. I cycle through people faster than the beers I down to forget them. I want to not be lonely, to be loved, for a time.
I had a glimpse of that recently— to the person who made me believe I could feel again, I’m sorry I ruined it. Drinks and bed sheets shared on Friday nights— now just a snapshot each day; emotionless. What put stars in my eyes and excited my psyche, so lonely for so long, disappeared as quickly as it arrived. You gave me hope again; maybe I wasn’t destined to be alone, maybe all Taureans weren’t awful, maybe this was my chance at love again— I blew it. I’ve made peace with losing you, though it took me some time. Seeing you smile from across the bar on those nights we should’ve been together, singing our favorite songs and slamming drinks; hurt me. Always the first thing my eyes were drawn to in a room full of tipsy college athletes— how’d you do that? So magnetic. I miss it. You’re gonna do amazing things; I can’t wait to see them— even if I’m not a part of them anymore.
To my best friend— I love you, although I never told you. You entered my life so long ago, yet so recently still. Longtime acquaintance, short-lived lover. You make me feel so normal, so okay with being me. We’re better off as friends— what I’ve always told myself—until you look at me like that; you know what I’m talking about too, what you do to me. That look— makes my mind and belly do flips; everything gets thrown out the window. How badly I wanted to be yours, but knew I couldn’t. You love her still and I know, it’s okay. I want to treat you the way I know you deserve; she’s hurt you so bad, you need to see that. Maybe down the road things will change; I’ve always hoped for things to be different. They aren’t; and you can’t be mine and I’m struggling with that still— but getting there; slowly.
I have loved so much in my twenty-something years; enough, I feel, to feed an army, as they say. I have so much to say to so many; and yet, the only two people I could choke out words to are you. Why? Why is my mind so flooded with thoughts of you and I together? You changed my perspective of what it means to love and be loved. What came before was not love; love doesn’t tear you down and break you apart like they did.
You reminded me love is unconditional and irrational and has no rules— no mercy.
Thank you for everything; I love you.